Mad Murphy – TEENAGERS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING

I like to think that I’m one of the more interactive members of the community in the circuit and I have had my fair share of arguments and debates on a few of my topics. The one thing that had ALWAYS drived me absolutely fucking bonkers is when someone tells me that I’m wrong, citing opinion rather than fact, and then I find out that said opponent is roughly 15 years old.

Are you seriously going to tell me that everything I have experienced going through grade school, high school, and college is completely wrong? Are you going to tell me that everything that I’ve seen time and time and time again over and over and over is fake? 90% of everything you will be accused of, or will go through, I have been there. I have seen that. There’s really not much that phases me anymore, because I’ve gone through it, experienced many many things in my life. I have seen places you could only dream about visiting. I have participated in many events you wish you could have been a part of, and I have thousands of stories to tell.

PLUS, I’m still experiencing life, so by the time you’re my age, I’ll have more experiences and stories to share. Just because you read about it online doesn’t always mean that’s the God’s honest truth. Not everything you read in a history book is completely 100% true, becuase the winner writes the book, THAT’S a fact. A entire nation that’s completely wiped out can’t publish a report on how they were slaughtered, and in the same light, kids that haven’t experienced life can’t tell someone how the world really works, when they’ve barely skimmed the surface themselves.

THAT IS THE MENTALITY THAT PLAGUES US RIGHT NOW! Well I don’t know much about it, I can either tell everyone to fear it, or make shit up about what’s really going on here.

I get the fact that everyone has their opinions, and I can respect the fact that everyone will voice them. That’s not what I’m talking about here. What I’m trying to inform you, is that if you are currently between the ages of 13-19, then you don’t know shit.

I know I’m going to get flack for this because when I was a teenager, I would have done the exact same thing when someone told me that I don’t know shit. I would get all huffy in the chest and say “I know enough. I’m practically an adult.” Not until you can legally buy me beer, you’re not, kid. And I’m not at all keen on the conventional ways of discerning who is and who is NOT an adult.

The law says you need to be 18 to vote and die for your country. You need to be 21 to gamble and drink. THAT, I think is completely ass-backwards. You should get all the fun stuff out of the way before they ship you off to Iraq, c’mon government, let the kids life a little! But age doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an adult either. I know PLENTY of 20-30 year olds who are immature as fuck.

Honestly, I think what defines an adult is their ability to deal with adult situations, accept responsibility and be a role model for others. Oh, there’s probably more key points, but these three are pretty big, so let’s just stick with these for simplicity’s sake.

What do I mean by Adult Situations, well being able to say penis with a straight face helps. But what I really mean is this: When you live on your own, you have to do all the necessary things to keep you out of your home. Yes, it’s great to finally get out of mom and dad’s place, but you have to realize, with freedom comes responsibility. You have to get a job, make rent, pay bills, buy food, get gas, make car payments, clean your place up, put shit away, balance your checkbook, pay your taxes, budget yourself and maybe… maybe then you’ll have enough free time and extra money to go out drinking with the boys. Yes, living on your own means you get to do whatever you want, but it also means that just because you GET to do anything you want, doesn’t necessarily mean you SHOULD do everything you want. Sure you can buy a hot tub, but how will you make your next car payment?

Also, when someone discusses the fault in parenting, unless you’ve had a teen pregnancy, your opinion is not valid, nor needed. Both rants I’ve done about parenting so far in this series, I’ve had some yokel tell me that my opinion is skewed or flat out wrong, because all parents suck, or that we need to look at their perspective. I’m just going to chalk this up to teenage know-it-all-itis. You can’t possibly have a proper basis of comparison because your view is completely subjective, you have our own parents, or parent that has been the center of your world for so long now, and OF COURSE other kids parents are going to be better, because you don’t see them everyday, but I’ll bet you 5 million Prussian Francs that those kids think that their parents suck, and you’re the lucky one with the cool folks. Unless there’s some local epidemic going on in your town right now where all parents have been cursed and are walking around like zombies, you cant’ tell me that, of course you know that your parents are horrible.

Of course there wil be exceptions, kids that are abused is a very serious matter, but we’re not talking about those that ACTUALLY have horrible parents, we’re talking about the 95% of you ingrates that THINK you have horrible parents.

This also includes quote-unquote starving artists who refuse to get a job to actually pay for the bills, and then complain to the rest of the world that they’re going to be forced out of their home because no one will buy commissions for them. The adult situation they refuse to engage in is getting a god damn job. I’m not saying artistry isn’t a job. I’m a web designer by trade, I pull in a good chunk of change by making art my profession, but it wasn’t always like that. I moved out on my own, 6 hours from mom and dad, only to be fired 3 months after I started the job. I then had to move back home, moped around for a year, then my mom said, either get a job or you’re out on your own. So I got a job as a graphic artist for a start up web company, got fired from that, was unemployed for 2 years, got a gig as a bartender, then got a better web designer gig, then a better one, then landed a corporate gig, now I’m working for a private company that does millions of dollars in business every year. SUCCESS DOESN’T HAPPEN OVER NIGHT! Yes, there are a very very few amount of individuals that get lucky and score big right away, but putting stock in those individuals just tells the rest of us, that you may be of age, but you DEFINITELY are not an adult!

Which brings us to accepting responsibility. There are several people I know that are older than I am and they still can’t cope with this… which I don’t understand. In case you don’t know, accepting responsibility involves taking the initiative of starting, working on and completing a project, and admitting fault when it IS your fault. People tend to forget that second part. If you screw up, admit it. That’s the adult thing to do. Adults take charge, get shit done and admit when they’ve screwed up. Of course, you won’t find many adults in high government positions, but we’ll leave my love of the federal government for another rant.

If you start something, finish it!

If you fuck up, admit it

How hard is that? Not at all, but some people just can’t cope with this concept, which is why I refer to them as people, and not adults.

If you’ve got these two under your wing, then being a role model is easy. Just keep on doing the first two, and don’t be a dick about it. Don’t throw your weight around like you own this fat joint. Yes, you can be responsible, handle situations and still be a dick. Like I say at the end of every segment, I’m not yelling just to yell. There is a method to my madness and all I am trying to do is help you realize that your world is NOT as horrible and angst filled as you may think. It much much worse!

When you turn in your work late at school, you get a bad grade. When you turn your work in late at your job, you get fired! You spread a he said-she said rumor at school, you get a slap in the face. You spread a he said-she said rumor at work, and you get fired! You slack around in class, you get detention. You slack around at work, guess what? You get fired! You don’t get many second or third or fourth chances in real life. And that what you have to truly realize. You may think you are living REAL LIFE right now, because your truck broke down, but daddy’s gonna pay for it, and your girlfriend is being a total bitch, and class sucks and that dude been fucking with you cuz he has a small dick and I got real world problems… THAT’S NOTHING to my truck broke down and I don’t have the money to get is completely fixed so I have to pick and choose what get fixed and what I just learn to deal with, my wife’s been cheating on me with my brother and she’s threatening to take the kids and the house so my busted up truck is all I am going to have to live in, and HR’s on my back because this total douchehat claims that I’ve been harassing him, even though i have no idea who the fuck he is, and the IRS just sent me a notice that they will be performing an audit, and the mortgage is late, and the kids need new shoes and the dog threw up on the carpet and i still have to mow the lawn, and my worthless teenage son who thinks HE has is so hard is bitching that he got detention because the teachers don’t understand his chakra alignment.

D’ya see the fuckin’ difference?

And all of your complaints about how I’m picking on my ENTIRE audience base are nothing short of anything I used on adult when i was your age.

You just don’t get it! No YOU don’t get it. You have no fucking idea the world of hurt that is waiting for you. So bitch about how mommy never buys you enough minutes for your phone and shove it up your ass.

I don’t think you’re being fair. Well who made that rule? Who said the world is fair? if the world was fair, do you honestly think I would be sitting here ranting about this bullshit? Fuck no! I would be having sex right now! lots and lots of sex! You need to hear this, and you need to let it sink in, cuz the sooner you learn and understand this, the better prepared you will be for the REAL world.

Life is not fair!

I know plenty, I’m 15 I’m practically an adult. Good luck with that. Have mommy and daddy cutcha loose right now, pin a 20 dollar bill to your jacket and wish you the best of luck.

Louis C.K. said it best when he said:

“Life is an education. And if you’re older, you’re smarter. If you are in an argument with somebody and they are older than you, you should listen to them. It doesn’t mean that they’re right, it means even if they’re wrong their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have. They’ve been here longer. A 55-year old garbage man is a million times smarter than an 28 year-old with three PhD’s! Especially smarter than him. Cuz this idiot has been thinking about three things for like fifteen years! He’s worthless! The garbage man is 55. He’s had some experience. Things have happened to him.”

Ands that’s the same situation here. I’m not just barking out bullshit just because I have a microphone and a YouTube channel. I’m trying to pass stuff on so that you kids won’t run into the same bullshit that everyone else in the past 100 years has gone through. MAYBE, just maybe if you kids would listen, rather than think you have it all figured out, then you would learn what’s going to happen to you in 5 years and you can avoid the vicious cycle that we’ve all gone through.

I look at it like this. Someone from the future came back in time to warn you about the stupid shit you were going to pull, and you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life, and you just blow them off, and say STUFF IT OLD MAN, I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! NOW WHICH END DO THE BULLETS COME OUT OF?

You might think you know everything, and that’s true, you know 100% of your world. But what you know about your world, is about .01% percent of everything you’re about to find out as soon as try to make it in the real world.