Mad Murphy – People Who Live to Be Offended

Hey Danny. I see you’re being a good little boy by reading the Bible today. Hey, let me ask you a quick question. Do you live to be offended? Yeah? Well FUCK YOU!

Before I dive in any deeper, let’s first define what I mean by “Live to be Offended”. After I define this phrase, I’m pretty sure you will know that one, or more people in your life that fits this definition. When I say “Live to be Offended”, I simply mean this, no matter what you say, what you do, how you do it, when you do it, when you say it, how you say it, what you enjoy, how you enjoy it, with whom you enjoy it with, where you go, how you get there, what you believe and why you believe it…. they are going to be offended by it. No matter what, you are offending them. So probably right now, I have already offended about XX people.

What I do not understand about these imbeciles is even though everything you DO is offensive, you as a person are not regarded as offensive. This needs some explaining, some reasoning, some thought, ANY thought, if any about why this is. How can a person whom everything they do is offensive, still remain and un-offensive person. I know that’s quite mind fuck to think about for some of you cretans, so I’m dumb it down even more.

Say you know this guy, and you hang out with him all the time. You see him every day, and even on weekends. He is not a co-worker, you choose to voluntarily be a part of his life. A friend you’ve known for years. OK, now every time you hang out with this guy, he does something that just rubs you the wrong way. His eating habits, his lack of self-hygiene, he farts with every step he takes, he likes to refer to women as broads or chicks, he refers to black people as useless niggers, he thinks all gay men are faggots and all gay women are bull-dykes. He enjoys black death metal and abuses his children every chance he gets. Yet still you hang out with him every day, enjoy a cup of coffee with him every morning, even though he thinks you’re a faggot for holding the cup of coffee the way you do and makes sure everyone in that Starbucks hears him.

WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH DO YOU CONTINUE TO HANGOUT WITH THIS LOUSY MOTHER FUCKER? Why would you continue to subject yourself to his opinions that piss you off to your very core? What possible attribute could this douchebag have that would redeem him in your eyes?

This is how I see those people that hang out with normal people, yet find fault in everything everyone does. There’s a reason you very rarely ever see these people invited to parties… because, let’s face it… who wants to hear a really good story about a bridge?

Why these people are constantly offended, Like The Bermuda Triangle and What Women REALLY Want, People who Live to be Offended are one of the great mysteries of the world. But I have done some extensive research and have found some interesting facts.

PLBO’s (People who Live to Be Offended) often change their motives. One day they are offended because that think you are sexist, the next, you are racist, the next, who the fuck knows

PLBO’s are usually the only representative in a group of people, you never see more than one PLBO in a group, unless that group is over 15 people. Then they travel in small nomadic herds

PLBO’s are always the first ones to raise their hands, or participate or suggest ideas. Does this suggest that they truly are not offend, and this is just a plea to be heard?

PLBO’s are usually the individuals that perpetuate false rumors in social media. Case in point, There’s rumor going around that Courage the Cowardly Dog was cancelled because of an Episode called “The Mask”, because of the lesbian undertones of the relationship between Kitty and Bunny. The rumor was proven false when someone did their homework to find that “The Mask” aired during season 2, while the tales of Courage, Muriel & Eustace Bagg lasted a full 4 seasons. There is a good chance that you first about this rumor from a PLBO who quickly jumped upon her homemade soapbox that has been in her family for generations.

PLBO’s often find that there is absolutely nothing offensive about anything they enjoy, even if it’s Liver and Tuna Fish sandwiches for lunch. That’s not just offensive, that’s fuckin disgusting!

PLBO’s often are involved with their community church, sometimes too much. They volunteer their time, sometime their entire family’s time to the church, much to the chagrin of their children, and usually talk about what they heard about so-and-so from someone in the parish. I have also noticed that most of the time, when they want to make a point, they will often claim that it is referenced in the bible, or they will quote actual scripture for you.

The problem with PLBO’s is that even though, you can simply just begin to invite them to less, and include them in less, they will begin to get offended about that, and then the entire thing starts all over again, most of the time, it just gets worse.

I did find a solution, not a very good solution, since it takes a while (most PLBO’s don’t have enough common sense to take a hint). What you do, is simply ignore them: acknowledging them in short minimal-engaging phrases. Yes, it takes a while, because they are so engrossed in what they say, that they rarely have time to listen, but the less you acknowledge what they are saying, they should eventually realize that you just don’t care what they have to say.

Of course my tactic is simply to go up to one, while they are spouting out their intolerance, and shout at the top of my lungs “NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU THINK!” and then walk away. Then again, I am not the smoothest person of the face of the planet, and rarely use my volume knob.

What it boils down to is this, If these people are so offended by everything you do, why do they continue to hang around you? I believe it not to be that you offend them, but they desire to be heard, and that’s incredibly selfish. Your entire relationship with these people is they simply need to talk talk talk talk talk talk, and if you don’t listen, then they start saying things that will force their voice upon you, you now HAVE to hear what the say. There is a silver lining though. There is a big difference between HEARING someone, and LISTENING to them. You can hear them, and have whatever they say go in one ear and out the other, and that’ll drive them absolutely bat shit crazy. The other nice point, is that they never seem to last long in any group. Whether it be a social group or at work, the average PLBO has a typical lifespan of several months, they are either excommunicated, or fired, so you have that to look forward to.