Once upon a time, there was a mighty holiday called Halloween. It brought about the fullness of the autumn season, and filled the hearts of many with the fanciful and fantastic. Ghost and devils would wander through your neighborhood as the children donning those visages would pander for sweets or you would get your windows soaped. The evening would be filled the the orange glow of jack o’lanterns and you could the echo of partiers reveling about. This time was marvelous, and then…..

Everything went to Hell….

Better Homes & Gardens & Martha Stewart started publishing decorating tips on how middle-aged wives, who haven’t experienced life since their kids moved out of the house, can dress up their upper-middle class homes with some twigs and potpourri, and it would be… a good thing. BULLSHIT… it makes your house look like a scarecrow farted on it! These ideas are so gay that even Perez Hilton would say, “OH JESUS CHRIST!”

But that’s only the half of it. With the emergence of publicizing sexual and child predators, trick or treating is no longer at dusk or early evening. The streets have been labelled “no-longer safe”. What the hell? I remember growing up and knowing EVERYONE ON THE BLOCK. Now, I’d be surprised if people know who lives next door to them! We just bought a house at the end of August and within 48 hours, I introduced myself to both next door neighbors.

IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE PEOPLE!

But I digress, let’s move on.

Razor blades in candy, poisoning the apples, drugging the candy corn… WHAT THE FUCK?! What point does it serve? Just because you had a shitty childhood doesn’t mean you get to screw up someone else’s. This year will be the first year my little boy will be participating in Trick-Or-Treating, and the only thing foreign I want him to worry about making an appearance in any of his candy is nougat!

We continue… and let’s not forget the biggest enemy of Halloween… Christmas!

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas… but that holiday is in a different month, in a different season even! But ever so slowly… it’s been impeding its space into Halloween jurisdiction, and it’s sad! You should NOT buy a Christmas Tree in November! You should NOT have a PRE-XMAS Sale in October! Holidays should leave each other alone, and it’s not even their fault.

It’s marketing…

Macy’s and Sears Roebuck discovered long ago that the American people spend a God Awful about of money on Christmas, so let’s stretch it out as far as we can. You want to know how bad it really is? I saw Fiberglass Christmas Trees for sale not 2 hours after I closed on my house on August 31st… IT’S SICKENING!

Slowly but surely, the Christmas season is encompassing the entire year. I foresee that in 2020, the shopping year will be as such: Christmas Season, Post-Christmas Season, Fourth of July, Pre-Christmas Season. We need to honor each and every holiday equally, nationally recognized or not, they all deserve our undivided attention and respect.

Halloween for me used to conjure up memories of eating candy under all my teeth feel out, watching scary movies until I filled up 5 adult diapers, bobbing for apples, egging houses, and possibly hooking up with the drunk Little Bo Peep that seductively just asked if I wanted to help her find her sheep… Yes… yes I do!

Halloween, believe it or not is a functional holiday. Just like it’s brother Mardi Gras, they both serve a religious function. Get in as much sinning as humanly possible before you have to repent your ass off in the morning. Madri Gras precedes the more popular Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, representative of the 40 days and night Jesus spend fasting, which is why, for some strange reason, I can’t have a ham sandwich on Friday without fearing I may spend eternity in Hell for it. On Mardi Gras, or translated to English, Fat Tuesday, is just that… the church allows you to engorge yourself in all carnal pleasures as you possibly can fit in before midnight. It’s actually in writing… don’t believe me… take a trip to The Vatican!

Halloween, or biblically known as All Hallow’s Eve, precedes All Saint’s Day, November 1st. All Hallow’s Eve is just the same. Someone in the church, who was actually intelligent, realized the human nature and said… y’know what… we’ll give you one whole day to get out all of those evil urges you might have. Dance around the fire like a wild idjit, go on, fornicate with your friend’s wife, steal your neighbor’s cow.. go on, we’ll look away.

These two holidays let us finally be human. So let’s use them! Let’s use them to the best of our ability, but at the same time, let’s not ruin it for someone else. Be mindful, but have fun.

I wish everyone a very Happy Halloween, and I hope that you are all able to have your fill of that sweet sweet candy… wink wink nudge nudge.

Old Man Murphy

Murphy1976 is the Founder of WellHey Productions. Although, he is considered by some to be one of the most creative creepypasta narrators, he doesn’t tend to classify himself as strictly creepypasta. As the eldest in the Creepy Pasta Network, Murphy is looked upon as a faux-father figure to some, and a grumpy old man to others. Murphy currently resides in Wisconsin, USA.