Published on April 29, 2014 by Old Man Murphy

Issue #3 – Modern Parenting. Or lack thereof. it seems everywhere I turn there’s always some schmuck that’s more concerned with their personal life than their kids. Make me so mad.. I wana rant about on a video… HEY LOOK.. what a co-inky-dink!

Mechanolith – Kevin MacLeod (
Aces High – kevin MacLeod (
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How to begin this one. There’s so much wrong that I see with young parents today that I have no idea where to start ranting.

Ah, here we go….

Your kids do NOT need you as their friend, they need you to be their parent! I’ve seen this time and time again and it drives me fuckin’ bananas every time I see it. You may have seen this too, so let me know if I’m at all off on this one. a family is in a public place, could be just the mom, the dad, maybe both, but it’s always just one of the kids that’s with them. The kid sees something that they want, throws a temper tantrum wanting the thing that they want, and the parents simply buckle and cater to the WANTS of the child, fearing that the kid will not like them. So they buy the thing that the kids wants, and 10 minutes later, the kid pulls the same shit with something else, lather, rinse, repeat.

This might just be my medication talking but, what fucking chance does a kid have when you do that? What life lesson are you teaching them, that if they bitch and moan long enough, you can get anything you want? Are you fuckin’ kidding me?!? You are raising demons, you idiots! These kids are going to grow up and think that they can get everything they want… EVERYTHING!! And you know for a fact, that’s not true, not even CLOSE to being true, so, they grow up with a general hatred for life and an entitlement that they are owed everything, and then I have to deal with these little pricks when they come into work everyday, and don’t want to do the job I hired them for, but still want a fuckin’ paycheck, because… well I got the job, that should be enough. OH, you want me to actually work? Eww, that’s for other people to do, not me!

C’mere! Have a seat on this rusty chainsaw!

It boggles my mind that these parents are simply living for the moment and not realizing that their LACK of parenting will seriously effect these kids in the long run. Cater to your child’s every whim today, raise HIlter for tomorrow! I may be exaggerating, but it’s not that far from the truth. You are going to have kids that don’t appreciate anything in life, expect that everyone just gives them everything, and eventually, they’ll learn that everything you taught them was a lie, and they’ll learn to hate and resent you for the rest of your life, and you’ll have the fuckin’ balls to say “What happened to you? You used to be so sweet and nice!” Are you serious? How can people be THAT oblivious to the fact that your actions today, have results in the long run?

They don’t, which is why they should have been sterilized a LONG time ago. Let me explain this, believe it or not, Keanu Reeves had a very influential part of my parenting. Back in the 1989, there was a movie “Parenthood” and he played this kinda flakey drag racer that knocked up one of the main mom’s daughter. And after talking to this same mom’s son about the hard time he was having with life, he let it known that he had a piece of shit dad that abused him. After admitting this, the line he spoke stuck with me:

You need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car – Hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they’ll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father!

I’ve made it well-known with some of my friends that I think there needs to be some form of chip implanted in the man’s penis and in the women’s ovaries that does not allow them to produce potent sperm or eggs until the chip has been unlocked. To get the chip unlocked, you simply have to take a funded class that teaches you how to be a responsible parent. And it’s not some wishy-washy class like Home-Ec or anything where you just show-up, take a test and automatically pass on god merit. No sir, this is like parent boot camp! You check your smartphone at the door, you stay up for 24 hours, 36 hours, 48 hours so you can understand what REAL sleep deprivation is, and STILL manage to cradle and rock a baby to sleep. You abandon all of your wants to make sure this child stays alive. You learn the difference between WANT and NEED. You take psychological exams to determine whether or not your are actually mature enough, ready enough to be a parent. And when the time comes, if you do not pass with 100%, you have to do it all over again.

Now don’t look at your screen with all this disdain and hatred simply because I wish for this. Many of you listening to this are the product of half-ass parents. I’ve gotten COUNTLESS emails stating the following: “Murphy, you have given me better advise than my own father” or “Murphy, I wish you were my dad.”, we’ll get to how this kinda pisses me off too, but in a bit. My main focus right now is parent boot camp. The reason for some of this is as follows: Why a chip? Well, I still think people deserve the right to have sex. Go on, fuck each other’s brains out, but nothing will come of it, until you pass boot camp. This will also cut down on those Oops babies that receive so much love from parents who simply did not want to become parents. It will reduce the number of rape babies, which why we’re still teaching girls DON’T GET RAPED, rather than teach the boys DON’T RAPE will always be a mystery. But my main concept is this, people who REALLY want to be parents… I mean REALLY want to be parents will take boot camp and they WILL MAKE IT WORK. They will do everything it takes to become a parent, because they want it. And that’s the main reason for all of this.

NOTHING in this world that is worth having, should ever come easy. Now, I know there’s going to be a backlash that I want to regulate people’s natural right to have kids and procreate. And yes, that may be true.. but have you seen the over population lately? Have you seen the amount of people forced to live in poverty and less than ideal standards. Have you seen those families with 16 kids, feeding off of welfare and food stamps. You can’t tell me that putting a cork or zipper on something wouldn’t have helped in the long run.

But enough of the political bullshit. I mentioned that people think I’m a better dad than their own. Someone told me this recently, and I flat out told him to fuck off. That is NOT fair. That’s not fair to me, and not fair to your actual dad. Why? Because we’re all people. We are human beings, we have faults, stigmas, personal issues and we do the best we can with the tools we’ve been given. Now if you had dead beat parents, that’s another thing entirely. I tell them this, when I was growing up, my dad was an alcoholic, and would sometimes beat the piss outta me, we butted heads a lot and that’s just the way it was. We had a defining moment, a story that I may tell in the future, but it was a moment that I hope every child has, when you realize that your mom, your dad, your whomever raised you, is just a human, not this superhero that we admired and adored growing up, but a simple human that has flaws, and faults, and wants and dreams and heroes of their own. And if you’ve raised correctly, it’ll strengthen your relationship with your parents, you’ll realize that ‘damn, they didn’t have much to work with, but I think they did a pretty good job’ and you’ll respect them more for persevering through the thick and thin of it all.

THAT’S A GOOD PARENT! Here’s another example. Now I mentioned before that most parents I see today want their children to be their friends, and that… ugh.. that is horrifying to see, and I told myself a long, long time ago that I am NOT going to be like that. So, Murphy Jr. comes along and I IMMEDIATELY institute the 1,2,3 policy. My son is smart as a whip, and he KNOWS what’s right and what’s wrong, 9 times out of 10, he’ll choose the right thing, but there’s that off change, he’ll just feel like being a total douchebag, so I’ll have to start counting: 1… 2… 3! If I get to three, he gets spanked. I started that as soon as he could start walking and talking, anytime before that, you’re just wasting your effort on a blob of flesh that is under developed and has no sense of anything yet.

Everytime I’d get to 3, a swat on the butt. Hard enough to sting a bit, but nothing where you’d see a hand print if he mooned you. Now, he knows, and I barely get to 2 anymore. There have been tears and tantrums and fights and shouting matches, but the main thing is this… I am not raising a child. I am raising the adult he will become in the future! I want him to know what’s right and what’s wrong. I want him to know that it’s not always going to be about him. I want him to know that he’s not going to get everything he wants, but he’ll get as much as he needs. We have fun, we play, we wrestle, we watch TV, we play games, we learn, we play sports and I also scold when he won’t go down for a nap or to bed, I’ll have a talk with him when he gets a bad report from daycare, he punched a friend, or told the teacher “What the fuck!” (that actually happened by the way).

Then one day, he simply came up to me and my wife, and gave us both hugs. None of this was prompted by the way, just one of the many random things he does. And after the hugging session, he simply said “You guys are my best friends!” We have accomplished what all those pansy parents wish for on a daily basis in 3 short years. We teach, we learn, we scold, we punish, we laugh, we cry, we dance, we make cookies for mommy’s birthday, we make posters for father’s day, and BAM, best friends!

We didn’t ask to be his best friends, we earned it! If you put forth effort, and you put your personal life aside and raise your child with the mindset that you are preparing them to be able to survive without you one day, then THAT’S how you succeed as a parent, and one day, after they’ve moved out of the house, and married with kids of their own, they just come back to you with questions, how did you handle it when this happened, or is it normal if this occurs, and they will respect what you have to say, because they know you did a job.

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